Say it Badly

There are things about ourselves that are difficult to observe from the inside. A person can know you for 30 seconds and see things about you that you might not figure out in 30 years.

One day you might meet someone who can cold read you like Derren Brown and make guesses that cut right to the bone, summing up your whole life in a couple of sentences. If they have an education in psychology they might even phrase these insights in terms of schema or archetypes or the DSM V.

And if so, you can always answer: ‘So what?’

Being summed up by an outsider doesn’t really change us or provide benefit. Knowing what box you fit into or how other people might categorise your personality is not even half the battle. Indeed, in therapy, these distinctions are so superficial that they are often omitted altogether without impairing the effectiveness of the therapeutic journey.

So what should we be doing if not looking around for the exact right box to jump into or label to adopt?

We should be down in the dirt, looking for details. The great thing about therapy is that almost everything that comes to your mind is relevant – after all, it came to your mind, and your mind is the star of the show.

It is more important to talk deeply and precisely about whatever we are speaking about than it is to stay ‘on topic’ or to present a clear argument or to be trying to serve a point.

If we try to organise the information too neatly and efficiently before it exits our mouths we risk getting in our own way. We must accept the fact that whatever we are saying we will first have to say badly (maybe even incoherently!) before we can boil it down and refine it.